The Guy's Perspective

The Malaprops: Tick Tock

For smaller screens just click on the comic to enlarge!

This is our third installment of "The Malaprops." See the categories section for the first two.

Today we have a very special guest artist, Chuck Harrison. For more on Chuck and his daily comic strip, check out his website, Decaffeinated Coffee. It's definitely worth a visit!

Also: "ONE of THE GUYS" will be making an appearance in the near future as a guest writer for his strip.

Special Note: THE GUYS are making some big changes very soon. So just a heads up. We're going to be using The Guy's Perspective Dot Com very soon as our new URL. Our look may be changing as well, but we'll still be bringing you the same content you've come to expect from THE GUYS!

We'll keep you posted. Thanks for visiting. And come again!!

Clothes don't make the Man

From, "ONE of THE GUYS"

When my wife asked me the other day, "Why are you wearing that ratty shirt again?" my response was,
"We can't afford for ALL of us to look good."

That seemed sufficient enough to keep her quiet, at least for a bit. I wasn't threatening, just being honest. And I think she understood the implication. If you and the kids want to keep getting new clothes whenever you need them, get off my back! The only thing "on my back" should be this ratty shirt.

So why do guys wear old raggedy clothes? 

Sure, sometimes it's a matter of economics, but most of the time it's because we don't care. Dressing up for work is one thing, but putting a ton of effort into dressing for a weekend day is just beyond us. We would be happy wearing the same thing every day. And yes, that includes the WHOLE outfit. Outer wear and inner wear.

NO.......

We're not slobs.
We shower.(Semi-regularly)
We shave.(Five times a week. OK, maybe four.)
We brush our hair. (What we have left.)

But clothes, well it's just not that important anymore. Back in the day, my clothes made a statement about ME. This is who I am. This is my style. I'm unique and different. That was all well and good, but frankly it never really worked. Why? Because I am truly "ONE of THE GUYS." I realized that my identity was more about who I was, how I treated others, AND my interests, rather than my style of clothes.

So basically I have no style when it comes to clothes. I seek anonymity because I WANT to BLEND.

First impressions happen the moment someone glances at you. I am no exception to this rule. I see a GUY dressed in pink and I think one thing.(Reference to a previous article on "Guys and Pink" we did.) If I see a GUY dressed in a suit, I think something else. If it's a pink suit, that's a whole other story.

My point is that, I want my gestures and intentions and opinions to tell my story. And I hope that people will be able really see ME, and not my outfit. If I blend, the rest of the world is forced to investigate more thoroughly. And then they can decide whether or not they want to have a conversation with me.

But there is one thing that any woman reading this may not realize. We actually dress this way for you. Now you're thinking, that doesn't make sense? That is contradictory!! Well actually it's not. Think about this the next time you want to tell your guy to change his clothes.....

Who wouldn't shine next to a guy in a ratty shirt?!!

THE GUYS

PS. Where do you stand with clothes these days? How do you feel about a GUY in a ratty shirt? What sort of style do you prefer for yourself and/or your partner?

Question and Answer: Technology and Suspicion

 

Hello,

 

    Thank you so much for getting back to me, I really need a guy's perspective. Can’t tell you how uncharacteristic this is for me, in fact it’s a very first. Here’s the thing, I’ve got a pretty laid back personality, am rarely thrown by anything, but I’ve been in a long term relationship for over 13 years, a little on-and-off, but mostly on. In the last few months, initiated by him, we’ve become closer than ever on every level, more than I could have ever thought, and it’s been great. He’s a bit older than me, by 15 years, we’re both normally intelligent, confident, capable people, etc. But yesterday he was out of town for the day, and I get this text message, clearly not meant for me. Initially I just laughed about it, texted him back that it must have been meant for someone else J, and didn’t think much about it. But before I could even send that text, he’d called, and then texted that it was a joke he'd meant for someone else that I knew. I was actually taken back a bit by how quickly he jumped all over damage control, not wanting me to think anything of it, which I hadn’t, but his actions made it seem a bit suspicious, which I am not normally. I’ve also been aware that he’s very jumpy whenever I’m around his new phone. He had me get him a new phone, just like one that I have, and has asked me to help him with learning a number of things on it. But as mentioned, he acts jumpy when I’m around it, not wanting me to hold the phone to show him what he’s asked, or if he goes to look up something, he turns it slightly away. To me, it’s obvious that he doesn’t want me to see what’s on it. Whatever on that as well. But after the text mixup thing, and thinking about what’s going on with the ipone, I’m really embarrassed to say that suspicion got the best of me, and I went online to look at his email. Longer story short, I discovered that he’s on a number of dating sights, one of which was the more active. I noticed that on that site, he had communicated with a number of potential matches, as recently as 3 days ago, and all during this time we had been getting so much closer. It does not appear that he has ever met any of them, his picture is not in any of his profiles, and his communications have been pretty innocent, I have been pretty shocked and embarrassed by my own actions and reaction, I felt so blindsided and devastated, which is a real surprise since I’ve always been so laid back, and such. He called last night when he got home, but he could tell something was wrong in my voice. He even called back again to say that he loved me, and did he do anything wrong, that he felt so guilty that I was obviously feeling bad about something. I told him not to worry about it, I’d talk w/him in the morning. Anyway, I don’t know what I should do now, should I just let it go and not say anything, chalk it up to a private side of his life, no matter how it makes me feel, and I’ll just deal with it and do my best to let it go? (despite the female stereotype, I am actually very good at letting things go) Or should say something and hash it out, even though that would bust me for looking at the email, and checking out the sites? In my head, I thought I was going to say something like what I was struggling with began with the whole errant text thing which was not meant for me, so anything after that would not have mattered, but his overreaction to fixing it did raise some issues for me, combined with his obvious concern about me seeing anything on his phone. That maybe I’m not what he wants after all, and I don’t want to be something that keeps him busy while he looks for what will really make him happy. I’m supposed to meet him for lunch later today, then go he’ll go with me to my son’s game, and then back to his house, where I’d usually spend the night. I really need another opinion and perspective, is it just an older guy thing trying to validate himself, or should I be concerned, or what? Sorry to dump so much at once, I am uncharacteristically lost on this. Anyway, thank you so much for your time and assistance.

Yours,
Michelle



Dear Michelle,
We're sorry you are having such a hard time. This is a very complex situation and we have many thoughts and reactions to your letter.

Yes, you do have every right to be suspicious. He is obviously doing much that you aren't aware of. And it seems he's fine with doing so. Anyone in your position would feel just as hurt and betrayed as you do. However, you are right. You did let your suspicions get the best of you and by looking through his email you've also crossed the line. But all is not necessarily lost, but much has to be sorted out.

You describe your relationship as on-and-off again for thirteen years. Is this because you both don't really want more? Or realize the relationship works, but it's not really serious? And why has it been left up to him to take the relationship to the next level? Have you not wanted that?

Our point is, maybe these events are just what the two of you needed. It's time to hash things out.
For REAL!!  And ask some hard questions.

What do you want?
What does he want?
Do you truly want each other in the same way?
And will you trust one another after this is all said and done?

So our advice to you is come clean. Forget damage control. Forget trying to make it seem like something else. If the two of you are really an exclusive couple then he's cheating on you. Maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally. This is not OK, and you shouldn't tolerate it. If you brush this aside it will eat at you and will just resent him more and more.

So yes, you need to explain your suspicions and tell him what you did. Expect a bad reaction. At first. If he truly loves you and if you truly love him, it's possible you may be able to work this out. It might take a day, a week or a month. You've already waited thirteen years to get to this point, so a little more time won't hurt you. And it sounds like you've been so busy making everything nice and letting things roll off of you, that you haven't gotten down to the nitty gritty.

Our question to you Michelle is, "Do you really love this man?" If so, then you do everything you can to make him understand what you want. We're not really sure what that is though? That's something you really need to take a hard look at.

So what is the worst case scenario? You might lose this man. You may be devastated for a while.

So what is the best case scenario? The two of you come to a new understanding of one another and take the relationship to the next level.

Another possible scenario: You move on and realize that the world is a big place with lots of interesting people to meet. You're young, energetic, intelligent and deserve to have what you want. Don't settle for something that doesn't truly make you happy.

Good luck. We wish you the best.

THE GUYS

PS. The age of the GUY doesn't have anything to do with this unfortunately.

Readers: Feel free to leave us a comment. And email us at: advice@theguysperspective.com if you have a question you'd like THE GUYS to respond to.

Bob the Vegan: The New Job

Bob comes home after a long day as the manager of a local coffee shop.

Dan: Hey Bob, how are things going at your new day gig?

Bob: They're OK, I guess.

Dan: Well, is there something wrong?

Bob: Kind of.

Dan: What is it?

Bob: Well.....everyone thinks I'm gay.

Dan: What are you talking about? What do you mean everyone thinks your gay?

Bob: OK, maybe not everyone.

Dan: So who then?

Bob: Well, this one guy thinks I'm gay.

Dan: One guy? There's always one guy who's going to think you're gay. Or wish you were gay. Who cares! 

Bob: Well it's a problem, because he got my cell number somehow, and he's called me a few times to ask me out.

Dan: Just tell him not to call you. That's pretty basic Bob.

Bob: I can't. He's a good customer. I don't want him to start telling people not to come to the shop. We need the business.

Dan: So why does he think you're gay anyway?

Bob: I'm not sure.

Dan: Well, did you say anything to him? Did you have some sort of conversation? Or does he just look at you and think you're gay?

Bob: Well, we've talked briefly. I talk to all the customers. I like to go around to the tables and see how everyone is doing. Sometimes I chat for a bit.

Dan: So what do you mean? You just go up to the tables and start talking to people?

Bob: Yeah I think it's good for business. I try to be friendly. I want people to feel like family. So I go up and say, "How's it going? Are you enjoying your coffee? And are you getting all your needs met?"

Dan: What??!!! Wait a second. Back up!! What was that last thing you said?

Bob: I say, "Are you getting all your needs met?"

Dan: Well no wonder he thinks you're gay!!!! Please tell me you don't say that to your customers!

Bob: What? What's the big deal?

Dan: You can't say that to someone.

Bob: Why not? I'm just asking about the coffee.

Dan: Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.......sometimes you are so naive. You can't ask someone, "Are you getting all your needs met?" That always implies sex. Well at least it implies a lot more than just coffee!

Bob: NO....Really??!!

Dan: Bob, sometimes I wonder about you. 

Bob: So what should I do?

Dan: First of all, ask the guy to stop calling you. Second of all, maybe have Torrie come in a few times and kind of snuggle up to you.

Bob: Oh, I hate this. I don't like conflict. Do I really have to tell him to stop calling me.

Dan: Sorry Bob, the more you avoid it, the worse it's going to get?

Bob: Ugh...

Dan: So what does Torrie say about all this anyway?

Bob: She's not sympathetic at all.

Dan: Really, why?

Bob: She said, "How come you never ask ME if I'm getting all my needs met?"

Dan: Ouch.........sounds like you've got more on your plate than just a gay suitor.

Bob: You're telling me.

Until next time....

Bonding can be a Messy Affair

THE GUYS were just visiting our good buddy Bluzdude and we read a very funny post about his experience with his two nephews. For a good laugh, be sure to check it out!!

But as his day with his nephews gave him new insight on what it's like to be a parent and how difficult it is to be in the trenches day in and day out, it also got us thinking.....about marriage and partnerships.

Divorce impacts many couples. The sanctity of marriage seems to be a tenuous bond these days, easily broken by the many temptations life holds: other men, other women, more excitement, more free time, more money......the list goes on.

So what makes the bond between people strong? Well sure, LOVE. We hope that would be reason number one. And what else? Loyalty, responsibility, friendship, kids? Sure, these would all be good reasons.

But we'd like to give five reasons that maybe you hadn't thought of. These are moments that are NEVER, EVER spoken about, but happen in every home around the world. These are moments that bring us together in ways we never thought possible. These are true bonding experiences!

Bonding experience #1:

When couples first start dating it's all clean and nice. They do everything they can to show their new found love, perfection.....which means pretty much keeping their "human-ness" a secret. What are we talking about? Yes, that's right, bodily functions. We've all been at dinner, a party or in the bedroom with that horrifying urge to you know.....pass gas. But we would never dare! Not this early on in the relationship. So instead we endure hours of intense stomach pain to not give away the secret. What secret? "That we're human!!" That's all well and good, but in order to really move ahead in the relationship, one of the parties MUST take the leap and "deal" one. Once that seal is broken a new bond is formed, and the relationship often catapults forward to a new level.

Bonding experience #2:

If you've gotten past the first stage you're doing well. Now you may be spending a considerable amount of time with your new love and that might include sleep overs and extended time at his or her apartment. This comes with its own unique set of challenges. One challenge high on the list, is the bathroom situation. Now you have to use the SAME bathroom. Your first instinct is to hold it, just like sleep away camp with outdoor latrines, and spiders as big as baseball gloves!  But eventually you have no choice. First BMs(Bowel Movements) are met with embarrassed smiles, or little jokes, but that facade is just too difficult to maintain. So you have no choice but to do what you normally do. "GO!" This is the second test in the relationship. When you realize it's not all roses, or that it doesn't all smell like roses, and you don't even care, you've now jumped your next big hurdle. From here the possibilities are endless.

Bonding Experience #3:

So things progress well and now you're married and pregnant. Well GUYS you may want to skip this paragraph if your stomach is weak. Anyone who's ever been part of a delivery, knows it's not pretty, at least up until the baby part. And even that isn't always pretty. But in any birth, anything goes. We're talking every kind of bodily fluid imaginable. And yes GUYS, even poop. And we're not talking from the babies. Talk about a deep bonding experience. If a GUY can wipe that image from his mind and still see his wife as that sexy kitten he married, good for him. (Of course THE GUYS would say, our wives are even sexier AFTER giving birth, but that's us.) And if a woman can still look her husband in the eye without feeling self-conscious that he's seen it ALL, then intimacy will go to a whole new level!

Bonding experience #4:

And of course the obvious continuation with this is kids. What comes with those little buggers is messy diapers, poop in the pants and bodily fluids everywhere. These are not tasks meant for one person. It's a tag team event for sure. The act of cleaning up every "episode" is enough to solidify a relationship for life. Each person gains a whole new level of respect and appreciation when sharing some of the dirtiest tasks known to man, AND woman.

Bonding experience #5:

We'd like to make just one last point. Isn't it clear that some of the messier things in life have played a big part in bonding two people together?! But it doesn't stop there. It's especially important in the Golden Years of marriage. Without bodily fluids, what would we have to talk about?

THE GUYS

The Malaprops: Mystery Veggie

Ten Questions to ask yourself before saying: "I Do."

Since we are all conspiracy theorists at heart, we feel it's only fair to share some important information we've gathered along the way. Of course what we seek may be different than what you seek, but this information could  help to you find your own Holy Grail. 

Since everyone loves lists, here is our list of "The ten things you should ask yourself before saying those two most sacred words: I will!"

And for our male readers. Please feel free to add to the list. We're not a secret society here!

Away we GO!!!

1. Does your man only say "I love you" when he's aroused or about to enter the sacred chalice? If so, you may have a guy who is constantly searching.

2. Does your man say yes to everything you ask? We're not talking about normal compromise and the give and take that works in a healthy relationship, we're talking a "YES MAN." If so, you may think you hit the jackpot, but instead you've landed in a holding pattern around "Boredom Airport."

3. Is your man ambitious? Let's define this more clearly because as you know ambition can be a very good thing. But does he put his ambition first? Or his career first? Always saying, "As soon as I get this things will be good." Sure you'll be adorned with lots of presents, but he may never be present. And that's literal and figurative. You figure that out.

4. How long does your man stand in front of the mirror? For men and women this is a very different beast all together. We're not opposed to careful grooming, but a man who constantly scrutinizes his own image, may be a bit too caught up in body image entirely. If so, good luck living up to that one. 

5. How laid back is your man? There's a fine line between, "It's all Good!" and "I don't give a shit."

6. Does your man try to hide the fact that he thinks other women are hot? This is called the secret life of GUYS. Openly flaunting attraction to another women is NOT COOL!! But pretending he's not attracted to anyone else in the entire world is absurd!

7. How jealous is your man? Some jealousy is a good thing, especially early on in a relationship. It can show that your man cares about you. But as you get more serious, or approach matrimony, the types of insecurities that lead to stalking or worse should be quieted. Sure, men are protective of their mates. That is part of us. But be aware of how this plays out. Any form of phone, email, text tampering pretty much means, RUN AWAY! And yes, we're serious. Someone that insecure is trouble. Open communication early on will help immensely in this arena.

8. What does your man do for a living and are you happy being poor? We're kind of joking here. We actually hope the answer is yes. Meaning, we'd like to think you love us for who we are. But we also know that sentiment gets old fast. Modern life is expensive. Family life is expensive. And that longing in your eyes as you watch your man perform at that dive bar down the street is going to disappear if there's not enough money to get diapers. Be honest with yourself. And most importantly, hope that your GUY loves being Mr. Mom. Someone's gotta wear the pants in the family.

9. Is your GUY comfortable with you having friends? And we don't just mean ex-boyfriends or other GUYS. We mean anyone. Any Guy with some testosterone coursing through his veins will be a little jealous(there's that word again) if you hang out with your ex. That subject alone might take up a whole other post. But some GUYS just don't want you to have a life outside of them. So ask yourself if you're OK, being sucked into his world. For some it works and for others it doesn't.

10. We saved this one until the end because it's the juiciest one of all.
We've developed a ratings system to help with confusion upon entering a life altering decision. We call it, "First pick or second two." This was a basic rule we used as kids upon deciding teams for any pick up sport. Sometimes simplicity is the most effective means to solving a problem....or for that matter anything. Here's how it works. When picking teams the "captains" could either get first pick or the next two picks. This made the rest of the picks crucial, because it eliminated the obvious choices, and turned the rest of the picks into the winning or losing team. So here's how it applies to our list.

Since we're speaking in terms of TEN, let's say you have ten important criteria when picking a mate.
Without a doubt, you should get your first pick or your second two. Without one or the other, the rest of the picks don't matter. But then after that, the rest of the picks (criteria) could turn to gravy, or unfortunately, artificial sweetener. And that's where the fun and mystery lie.

So our questions is: Are you getting your "First pick or second two?"

If so, great! Time to move forward from "I will" to "I DO!" And have fun discovering the hidden gems of the next picks.

THE GUYS

We hope this post was somewhat helpful. Please leave your comments. We love hearing from you!!!

Dogs vs. Cats

As of late, we've been getting a lot of pressure to get an animal. So we said fine, "Get some fish, fish tank,  fish food and whatever else you need." We thought we were being generous, but apparently fish don't count as animals. And neither do Gerbils, Snakes, Mice, Hamsters, Rats, Guinea Pigs or basically anything other than a Cat or a Dog.

So why didn't you say so from the beginning??!!

So let's get this straight. Are we really saying a Cat or a Dog, or do we just mean a Cat? Because let's face it, GUYS and Cats don't always jive. Sure, we've encountered a few that we've liked, but it's hard to take home a Tiger or a Lion from the zoo. Generally we're Dog people.

So this situation has become a big problem. And we're not sure how to resolve this crisis. So we wrote a little poem to give our readers a sense of what is going on inside GUYS' homes across America.

Cats and Dogs

The argument continues
'Bout which one ranks on top
It's been going on for years
And will probably never stop

Anytime the subject
Is brought up anywhere
Here is a little clip
Of what you'll probably hear

"Cats are cool!" say Cat lovers.
"Dogs are loyal!" say Dog lovers.
"Cats are sly!" say Cat lovers.
"Dogs are loving!" say Dog lovers.
"Cats are cuddly!" say Cat lovers.
"Dogs are playful!" say Dog lovers.
"Dogs smell badly!" say Cat lovers.
"Cats don't care!" say Dog lovers
"Dogs are dumb!" say Cat lovers.
"Cats are stupid!" say Dog lovers.
"You are stupid!" say Cat lovers.
"You are dumb!" say Dog lovers.

We don't think the argument
Will ever be resolved
Because the people having it
Are way too much involved

Has this been a problem for you? If so, how have you resolved this problem? How do we resolve this?

THE GUYS

The Vicious Cycle

So we were over at Momversation. Yes, we admit it. We like to know what the Moms are up to. It keeps us current.

Anyway, they were talking about kids of Reality TV and how awful it is. And while we totally agree that the exploitation of kids for money is appalling, we also need to admit to some complicity. 

In the old days "movie stars" were revered and looked up to. But it was simple and pretty straight-forward. Stars were on the big screen or the little screen and that is where they stayed. Today, we not only want them on the big and small screens, we want a piece of their lives too. And if we can't get theirs we want ours. Sure we've all dreamed of stardom at one point or another, but with reality TV and other outlets we all have a chance. Really??

We call it the Vicious Cycle. And it's out of control. Here's how it works.

1. People dream of fame. But they don't want to actually work at something to be good enough to get famous. So they think up ways of becoming famous. One way is to objectify themselves or act completely idiotic for laughs. Another way is to exploit their resources. Translation: Use their kids!

2. Enter reality shows. These shows look for people to open their lives for the rest of the world to see.

3. And boy do we watch!! The numbers get higher and higher each year. We are curious! This is an extreme form of rubber necking from the comfort of our own homes. Pretty cool!

4. Soon other networks get in the act and they produce shows that just TALK about the reality stars.
That's an interesting concept. Shows about other TV shows! Weird.

5. And we watch those too!

6. Now the magazines get in the act too. The paparazzi get paid big bucks to follow these reality TV stars around. Now everyone's making money hand over fist. Sweet!

7. And we buy those too! They're so fun to read. We call them our vacation treats. Along with a candy bar and a few other goodies, we gobble these up to enjoy on the road. OK, we'll admit, they're pretty good while doing our morning "duty."

8. So now everyone's making money and the reality kids start to feel entitled. They start behaving worse than they already did before they got on the show. And they're being encouraged by their parents. Nice!!

9. So now more networks, get in the act and more and more people are being recruited to do more extreme shows and more invasive shows.

10. Finally these kids grow up and continue to live their dream. They get their own reality shows and the vicious cycle begins again.

That is if they don't end up in jail, rehab or worse....dead!

WOW! we feel like we're missing something here??!!

THE GUYS

ps. Are you part of the vicious cycle? How do we change this? Or do we care?

The Malaprops

This is a family of well intentioned folks, who misuse words regularly. The original title was going to be Miss Malaprop based on a friend who happened to be very good at word substitution. However, we decided to spread out the fun and have the comic be about a family. So without further adieu, welcome to "The Malaprops!" 

We hope to do this weekly.

THE GUYS